Malcolm Gladwell says “If you work hard enough, if you assert yourself enough, if you use your mind and imagination, you can shape the world according to your desires.” Is this not the dream most of us aspire for? However, we often don’t understand how to navigate our way. Here is a start, some basic suggestions to shape our world to our desires!
Be specific with goals
It is important to know exactly what we want from self and others. General goals like wanting to be rich, having a happy family, being loved, becoming famous and so on are ambiguous and usually don’t get us what we want. The brain like a computer understands specific instructions… so define them, for example rich could be an annual income of 50 crores, happy family could be a loving and understanding spouse and one healthy child and so forth. The clearer the definition, the better the understanding of the path that would be needed reach there. To help source the kind of people who could benefit us through the journey or the kind of resources that one might need.
Ego vs Self Respect
A common topic of debate has been to understand what defines self-respect versus what is considered ego. Self-respect is the core of a high self-esteem which suggests that one knows and understand who one is and is comfortable with it. It makes a strong base for success. Ego on the other hand is a belief that one is better and more knowledgeable than most and so needs to be understood and respected by all. It tends to lead to a false sense of superiority while most people with high self-respect tend to be humble. A simple example to help differentiate between the two would be: A junior employee speaks rudely – one could either catch oneself reacting with anger with the thought that says ‘how could he/she talk to me like that” Alternatively, one could respond calmly stating the behaviour was unacceptable with the thought “such rudeness cannot be entertained in the organization” It is important to express the displeasure but at the same time understand that others are free to choose the way they respond. It is important to maintain self-respect to grow and understand while having an ego would only create more conflict.
Respond – Don’t React.
Reaction is an automatic response to any stimulus. For example, if one touches a hot vessel, instantly one would jerk ones hand off. It’s a reflex. Response on the other hand, is the choice we make after experiencing the stimuli. Taking the same example forward, the response to the burn might be to put the hand under cold water to soothe it. Most times, when there is a physical threat, it is understandable that we react instinctively before we can think and then respond later, as seen in the example. However, emotional emergencies can be handled differently for our benefit. An emotional emergency would be like having disagreements or conflicts, being faced with unpleasant life events, feeling hurt or betrayed and so forth. In such situations it is more mature to take a step back and respond rather than instinctively react. For example, if your friend is rude and talks in a loud derogatory tone, the instant reaction could be to retort back in the same tone and volume. This would usually lead to a bigger argument and blame session. However, if a response was given instead of a reaction, one might calmly state something like ‘I can see you are really upset with me about this. Let me see how I can work it out differently’. Chances are high that the friend will calm down and also work towards a solution.
The Power of “NO”
Most of us are conditioned to agree. Early in childhood we are made to believe that refusing anyone is rude or impolite or selfish. So, we grow up with a tendency to conform and be as affirmative and submissive as we can be. To unlearn this belief and create a positive sense of boundaries is critical in life to grow and succeed. ‘NO’ is not just a word, it’s a sentence in itself! It’s a sentence that states clearly that you are in charge and have an opinion of your own that you are willing to stand by and see through. In day-to-day life, people who tend to say ‘yes’ most of the time, tend to feel helpless and frustrated leading to dissatisfaction at personal and professional levels. People who are able to create effective boundaries and wisely and appropriately use ‘No’ feel more in control and are happier.
Accept limitations.
Growing up watching super hero’s somewhere a lot of us start to believe we can become super heroes too! We feel we can single handedly manage all crisis, be there on time for all the fun stuff, keep our family supremely happy, and obviously be perfect at work!! God forbid, if we cannot do any one of these, we spend hours, days, months and years criticizing ourselves. Sounds familiar to you? If yes, please step out of reel life to real life. We are humans and we all have our strengths and limitations. Focussing on our strengths makes us more confident and capable while focussing on our weaknesses makes us feel most vulnerable and hopeless. Encourage yourself and those around you. With support and positive relationships, all super hero challenges can easily be conquered!
The way we handle our relationships with self and others is the key to our success. Be focussed, be respectful, be humble, be responsive, be assertive and most importantly, be proud to be YOU!